I Know Heavenly Father Loves Me
That Satan is a tricky guy. I planned to come right home last Thursday and write about the experience I had at Institute, but I got distracted... busy... forgetful... discouraged.
However, I will not let him win! There may be some details that are missing, but this is a record of my experience last week when I KNEW that my Heavenly Father was aware of me and I felt, in a real and powerful way, His love for me.
Late Wednesday night, February 25, Kate came into our room to tell Kelly and me that she had received a text message. It asked students at Lone Peak High School to wear Sunday clothes to school the next day on behalf of a senior who had taken his life Wednesday evening. There have been other suicides at Lone Peak since we moved to the area, but this time it hit closer to home. The student had been in Megan's math group last year and he sat at Kate's table for AP Gov and Pol last semester. Both girls were visibly shaken by the news.
On Thursday morning, Megan left for school on the verge of tears. I started to feel angry that my child was suffering because of this boy's choice. I stewed for the next hour as I helped my other kids get off to school. I felt my anger and judgement increasing. I thought seriously about skipping Institute, but I decided to go.
As I was driving to Institute, I passed the High School. I knew my girls were there, trying to make sense of what had happened. I could feel my anger increasing, so I started to pray. I prayed for my girls. I prayed for myself- that I could have my heart softened and that I could stop feeling judgmental of this boy and his parents. I prayed for my Institute teacher, Patti, and that I would not be a hindrance to the Spirit she teaches with.
I arrived at Institute earlier than usual. This allowed for the first of three reminders that my Heavenly Father knows what I am struggling with and that He can show His love through those who are around us. I sat in my usual spot on the front row. Patti was also at the front preparing for class. She looked right at me, told me she had heard about the suicide at Lone Peak and asked if I was okay. What makes this such a tender mercy is that I don't really know Patti. American Fork High School, where her son attends, beat Lone Peak in football last fall. She might have been celebrating a little in class, when she quickly asked if anyone was from Lone Peak. I raised my hand, we laughed and continued with the lesson. That exchange, more than 3 months ago, is the only way I can think of that Patti would know I have kids at Lone Peak. This day, she remembered that about me. And through her, I felt that the Lord remembered me too.
The second reminder came when Patti began her lesson. She mentioned that she was saddened by the suicide at Lone Peak. She reminded us that we can't judge harshly this boy or his parents. We need to trust the Lord will know this boy's heart and his struggles and He will judge righteously, we don't need to. She also said she hoped she could get through the lesson and have the Spirit there. It was almost word for word a response to what I had prayed for as I drove to Institute. How could she know what was in my heart except through inspiration from a Heavenly Father who had heard my own prayer.
The third reminder came from another class member, Heidi, who shared her experience when her Dad committed suicide. I didn't know what I could say to comfort my girls because I've only ever heard that the atonement doesn't apply to those who commit suicide. I was wrong and her story helped me feel like I could say something hopeful and helpful to my girls. It also directed me to this quote from Elder Ballard:
Obviously, we do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth... When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth” (“Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not,” Ensign, Oct. 1987, 8).
However, I will not let him win! There may be some details that are missing, but this is a record of my experience last week when I KNEW that my Heavenly Father was aware of me and I felt, in a real and powerful way, His love for me.
Late Wednesday night, February 25, Kate came into our room to tell Kelly and me that she had received a text message. It asked students at Lone Peak High School to wear Sunday clothes to school the next day on behalf of a senior who had taken his life Wednesday evening. There have been other suicides at Lone Peak since we moved to the area, but this time it hit closer to home. The student had been in Megan's math group last year and he sat at Kate's table for AP Gov and Pol last semester. Both girls were visibly shaken by the news.
On Thursday morning, Megan left for school on the verge of tears. I started to feel angry that my child was suffering because of this boy's choice. I stewed for the next hour as I helped my other kids get off to school. I felt my anger and judgement increasing. I thought seriously about skipping Institute, but I decided to go.
As I was driving to Institute, I passed the High School. I knew my girls were there, trying to make sense of what had happened. I could feel my anger increasing, so I started to pray. I prayed for my girls. I prayed for myself- that I could have my heart softened and that I could stop feeling judgmental of this boy and his parents. I prayed for my Institute teacher, Patti, and that I would not be a hindrance to the Spirit she teaches with.
I arrived at Institute earlier than usual. This allowed for the first of three reminders that my Heavenly Father knows what I am struggling with and that He can show His love through those who are around us. I sat in my usual spot on the front row. Patti was also at the front preparing for class. She looked right at me, told me she had heard about the suicide at Lone Peak and asked if I was okay. What makes this such a tender mercy is that I don't really know Patti. American Fork High School, where her son attends, beat Lone Peak in football last fall. She might have been celebrating a little in class, when she quickly asked if anyone was from Lone Peak. I raised my hand, we laughed and continued with the lesson. That exchange, more than 3 months ago, is the only way I can think of that Patti would know I have kids at Lone Peak. This day, she remembered that about me. And through her, I felt that the Lord remembered me too.
The second reminder came when Patti began her lesson. She mentioned that she was saddened by the suicide at Lone Peak. She reminded us that we can't judge harshly this boy or his parents. We need to trust the Lord will know this boy's heart and his struggles and He will judge righteously, we don't need to. She also said she hoped she could get through the lesson and have the Spirit there. It was almost word for word a response to what I had prayed for as I drove to Institute. How could she know what was in my heart except through inspiration from a Heavenly Father who had heard my own prayer.
The third reminder came from another class member, Heidi, who shared her experience when her Dad committed suicide. I didn't know what I could say to comfort my girls because I've only ever heard that the atonement doesn't apply to those who commit suicide. I was wrong and her story helped me feel like I could say something hopeful and helpful to my girls. It also directed me to this quote from Elder Ballard:
Obviously, we do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth... When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth” (“Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not,” Ensign, Oct. 1987, 8).
Patti told us on the very first day of Institute, back in September, that Satan would try to keep us from coming to class. I have battled his influence on several occasions, but never as hard as last Thursday. If I had skipped Institute last week, I believe that I would have continued in anger and judgment and I would have been unable to help my girls. Instead, I left class feeling loved; knowing that God was aware of me; having a softened heart and hope to share.
God understood the heaviness in my heart, so I trust that He will understand the heaviness in others' hearts too.
posted by jenn | 3/04/2015
1 Comments:
Such a sad story. I'm glad you were able to learn something happy, helpful, and hopeful from this experience.
Faith and I have discussed this issue of "accountability" several times over the years. When I start to feel judgmental toward another person, I quickly remind myself of all the things I do not know.
I do not know their life.
I do not know their circumstance.
I do not know their mental health.
I do not know their personal knowledge.
I do not know their testimony.
I do not know their relationship with Christ.
I do not know their relationship with the Father.
If I do not know these things, I cannot know the things for which they will be held accountable. I cannot be their judge.
I can be supportive.
I can be empathetic.
I can share my knowledge.
I can bear my testimony.
I can show love.
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