Love and Light

Have I mentioned my word for 2009?

burn-out: fatigue, frustration, or apathy resulting from
prolonged stress, overwork, or intense activity

I am tired of driving to and fro, listening to whining kids, cleaning up messes that are not mine...
I am sick of someone always needing my time and energy, the dishes never being done, pajamas still being left on the bathroom floor and being told frequently that I'm mean and hated...
I don't care anymore that the floors are sticky or that my calling is being neglected...

Being BUSYjenn has led to extreme burn-out and a lot of wasted hours in front of the television. There have been moments of reprieve from the fatigue and frustrations but inevitably, the burn-out sets back in.

I. hate. burn-out.

I go to bed feeling depressed, disappointed and useless.
I have asked myself so many times this year, "Why is life so hard?"

As I flipped my calendar this morning to the last month of this- 2009, I felt an overwhelming desire to NOT suffer from burn-out in 2010. But how do you relight the fire when it has burned out?

Well-
You accept the tender mercies of the Lord. (He does not want me to suffer from burn-out either.)

Today is laundry day. I'm keeping close to the washer and dryer so I can stay on top of the 11 loads of clothes, towels and blankets that need to get done. While waiting to change loads, I decided to visit some long neglected blogs of dear and wise friends including my favorite Jenny. She wrote a wonderful post back in October and although I am sad that I have not read her blog for so long, the Lord knew that today my heart was open to her message.

Jenny attended a training meeting with members of the Young Women's general board where she was told that her calling in Young Women's should be hard. If it wasn't, then shape-up. She was surprised by this message but shared it with her local presidencies in stake training. At their next stake training meeting, she revisited her previous message with these thoughts:

Sometimes we confuse hard for heavy. Accomplishing hard things is invigorating, exciting, empowering and pumps us up. Heavy things make us feel discouraged, depressed, less than, inferior, and inadequate. Hard is not synonymous with heavy. When our callings, or any other aspect of our lives, feels heavy, it means that something is out of balance. Are we doing too much for others who could do it themselves? Are we doing too little? Are we focusing on the minutia and loosing sight of the big picture? Are we comparing ourselves to some imagined status-quo that we can't meet? Those things are all heavy. The Lord doesn't want us to be heavy. He wants us to accomplish hard things. And through Him we can accomplish hard things.

As I read and re-read her words, I realized that my burn-out was not caused by hard things but by heavy things. I was taking on more than I needed to and unable or unwilling to follow through on the things that were most important. I was expecting too much from myself and from others while assuming it should be easy. I was busy, but I was not actually productive. I created a heavy load for myself that I could no longer carry. The result: burn-out.

I am reminded of this invitation:

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I willl give you rest. Take my yoke upon you... for my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Light.
Maybe I've found my word for 2010.
Maybe it is time to let go of the heavy burdens of selfishness, comparison, expecation and guilt.
Maybe it is time for a light and easy burden of obedience, love and trust.

My sweet friend, Michelle, also posted some wisdom that yesterday I couldn't hear but today, I keep revisiting.

Today one of our Sacrament Meeting speakers related an experience he had recently. Someone invited him over for a drink. He thanked him, and explained that he doesn't drink. Or smoke, for that matter.

The man responded that he used to smoke, but that he decided when his daughter was born that he would quit. He gave up smoking out of love for his daughter.

The speaker was very impressed with this, and it really made him think: could we not give up anything out of love for our Savior? Could we not accomplish anything with his help? And should we not be motivated to do anything in our power to give back to the one who gave his life out of love for us?

Love.
Maybe that should be my word for 2010.
Because how crazy is it that love is what really motivates us to give up heavy things?!!
And when we give up the heavy things, the Lord makes it possible for us to do hard things!

I have admired my beautiful friend, Sheryl, who learned "I can do hard things" this year.

I want to be able to do hard things.
I want to let go of heavy things.

I want to remember this moment for my friends have taught me that both are possible and the Spirit has reminded me that the Lord continues to invite this stubborn, independent soul to "Come unto Him for his LOVE is infinite and his burden is LIGHT."