Cancer? Cancer.

This isn't the first time I have started my blog title with a question, followed by a confirmation. It seems to be the "M.O." for 2009- experiencing things that I just wasn't prepared for. This time it concerns my dad- we found out that he has cancer.

It is so weird to type or say or even think "cancer". I don't know why I continue to think I am immune or exempt from certain things, but I have to be honest- I was naive enough to think that cancer was not something that would affect me so closely. My dad had quintuple bypass surgery when I was ten. He was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure after a bad spell at Christmas. Heart problems I was expecting. Cancer? I still don't quite believe it.

We have more questions than answers right now, but what I do know is that my dad will have to take medication to slow down the growth of prostate cancer which was found in his prostate, his bones and other parts of his body. Hopefully, the medication will allow his body to stop fighting so hard against the cancer and let it focus on his heart which is suffering and the congestion which is making it hard for him to breathe.

It will be a long road. It is definitely an unfamiliar road, but we are trying to stay optimistic. As always- the real struggle for me is being so far away and feeling like I can't do anything to help.

{Dad and Jennifer, May 4, 2009}

It was such a blessing to get to spend a few days with my dad this last week- I was finally able to help, even if just a little bit! I rubbed his swollen feet, gave him a shave, brought him food when he was hungry, drove him to the office so he could take care of some things, filled the water on his oxygen machine, walked with him to the mailbox and back, and kept him company while my mom went to work. I wish I could have done more, especially to help my mom, but even my short trip was wonderful- I didn't feel quite so helpless and I loved getting to do something for my dad after all he has done for me over the last 35 years!

It was also good to just visit with my dad. When you hear someone is basically confined to the recliner, needing help to breathe and sleeping for much of the day, you get this idea that their mental capacities match their physical ones- at least, I did. And that is not the case. The words came slow because of his labored breathing and his emotions were close to the surface, but he is still the smart and interesting dad I've always known. He is sick but he is not an invalid. In fact- I think it was actually doing "normal things" that helped him most, like chatting away at the dinner table or while we cleaned the kitchen.

{Friday night dinner at my parents' house}

Of course, sometimes he just needed quiet, so we were able to get out a bit too. I spent an hour (or more) wandering through Paper Source (a.k.a. Mecca) and spending my generous gift card from Angela.

My sister, Kathryn, and her cute baby, Avery, were in town from Arizona my first two days, so we hit Sam Moon for cute purses and Old Navy, looking in vain, for knee length skirts. We also enjoyed Costco cake for Kathryn's belated birthday every meal of the day!

It isn't a proper trip to Texas without a good piece of rare red meat, so a group of us enjoyed dinner at Salt Grass Steakhouse on Saturday night. After dinner, Jon, Scott and I tried to see Wolverine but the power went out in the movie theater due to an amazing storm (Texas really does do everything BIG!).

I also got to break in my new running shoes with a 10 mile long run in 90 percent humidity (ugh.) and a 4-miler before leaving town.

My mom said that before all the company arrived, it was a bit like a morgue at their house. She may miss that after the comedy and chaos we caused! For instance- food can make my dad really nauseous (possibly the worst symptom for a Sauter!) and I about killed him when I left the Cafe Rio Pork, rubbed in cumin and cayenne pepper, cooking in the kitchen, right next to his "bed"!! So- at three in the morning, the upstairs bathroom, which has a fan, a door and 14 stairs to separate my dad from the smells, became our second kitchen!

And Kathryn, being unfamiliar with my Dad's car, accidentally watched the temperature gauge instead of the gas gauge which meant- we ran out of gas 30 yards from the station! We had to BUY the gas can, make three trips back and forth because the only can available held 1 measly gallon, and call multiple brothers to give us advice since we flooded the engine by not understanding how a fuel injection system works! Not to mention the stupid, unhelpful police officer that asked US to push the car uphill and on to a side road the opposite direction of the gas station!! Luckily, two guys who were mowing the median pushed for us. Definitely good times.

The best part of the trip is that I now understand what "good days" and "bad days" are like. It was so hard to imagine how my work-a-holic father could sit in a chair all day and have a "good" day, but having seen both, I now understand that good days include solid sleep, less pain and solo breathing and we are grateful for good days.

{Dad and Mom, getting some sleep whenever they can...}

Angela was the first to visit my Dad. She turned things over to Kathryn who turned them over to me. I then turned things over to Elizabeth who arrived on Sunday night. She is actually moving in with my parents (her husband has been there since February) and she is the one who gets to do all the things I wish I could do but can't do from 1000 miles away.

{Elizabeth and Tyler, filling out school registration forms.}

Thanks to those of you who have been so concerned for me and for my dad. Right now, we are taking it a day, or sometimes even an hour at a time. But we are hopeful that he will recover soon and we take our cue from my dad- he asked Elizabeth to roll his quarter collection because he needs the money for his cruise! So the next time I see him may just be on a boat where I'm sure he plans on soaking up some sun and repairing his tan!